Big Shoes

it was a simple thing really. a couple of kids at a prayer meeting, looking like they could use some encouragement. i got the push in my heart to go and pray over them. one sat on the floor on my left, the other on a bench on my right. i'd probably prayed for either of them half a dozen times before and never given it a second thought, but something changed tonight.. not necessarily in them either.
something changed in me.

i reached down and set my hands on their heads. as soon as i did, i felt the rush of the Spirit come over me--had i not been leaning on a wall it would have knocked me over. i couldn't have been praying for longer than 30 seconds when everything changed. it was like being transported. i was not standing in that church, and i was not even looking from my own eyes. i was back in a large stadium with hundreds of people. i saw my hands still placed on heads, but the hands were not mine, they were his. one of the heads however, was mine.

God put me back into that night. the night i learned the truest definition of Love. i was crying. the hand on my head was the hand of a man whom i still to this day regard as having the closest relationship with God i had ever encountered. his left hand was on the head of another, who was learning the same thing i was. my right hand was being held by a very wise friend, one who did not often pray with me, never like that, but that night, i needed it.

I opened my eyes again. I was back in the church, with one student on either side of me. God did his work with them, but i had to run outside. God had some words for me.
He said that night in the stadium i witnessed leadership. leadership pours out love, gives as God gives. leaders are a light to all who see them.

i remembered everything about the man praying over me. the time he spent to teach me, the measure he went to so that i could understand who God truly is, and what kind of Love He has for me. God said "What he was to you, i will make you to many others. and then, I will make you more, just as I AM making him more."


it was overwhelming. the person God had chosen to show me had been more influential than anyone else in my life. the experience God reminded me of what the biggest change of my life, my walk with Him. I couldn't believe God would make me into that. that was such a huge responsibility, and such a risk. people like that lay themselves out in the open so that others can be led to Christ. they lose friendships, their lives are so uncertain.


and yet, how often do we speak those cliches (or at least hear them) "You're the only Bible someone may ever read", "Jesus with skin on".

i think the phrases are silly, but their meanings are huge. God used the example of this person from my life to put into perspective His plans for me. God can make me like that person, and as big as that seems to me, ultimately, His plan is much bigger.

i will be like Christ. we will all be made like Christ. i thought the first pair of shoes was big enough to fill. this pair is even bigger.

but that's what God wants to do. so i can trust that it will be done, and not by my hand either.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13

familiar faces, worn out places...

field work has been a bit exhausting. i've found myself struggling to do anything really "God related", at least from my perspective. writing bulletin inserts, making signs and designing games for a halloween party doesn't really strike my fancy for relational ministry, or my particular calling/gifts. there are still some things that i just don't see as ministry, but more as an old habit all based on keeping people entertained instead of growing them up. we've got full grown adults who are still in spiritual infancy because the only interaction they have with God is a game night in the church basement. forced interaction between people who aren't interested, and barely any tie to God in the whole event.

and they wonder why no one is coming back.

but in the middle of this frustration God sent me a gift. i have to interview staff at the church. the youth minister, being a pretty chill woman saw me working & decided we should move to her office and do an impromptu interview. she sat down, printed out the answers to all the prewritten interview questions and said "ok. you have you're homework assignment. now let's REALLY talk."

as soon as she started talking i recognized her. i had never met her before, but this woman has the Spirit working in her, and she is not going to let any powers around her hide that. she shared my passions and visions, had so many questions and so many answers.
here i was, bogged down with all of these tedious projects, and God sends me this reminder: His Church is everywhere. His Work is being done. His people go where He sends them, and He doesn't ever send them alone.





i'm very tired. my writing has suffered since i started the semester. i hardly ever sketch. my personal time and my time for relationships has declined. but i've got joy. i've got peace. God sends me refreshment even when my feet are worn from running. my eyes are open to see Him even when they haven't seen sleep in several days.
and when churches and powers and all the earth is distracting and frustrating God sends me His Spirit, speaking through someone who's been right where i am. someone willing to encourage and disciple me to get where God is calling me to go.


so, i could use your prayers, because i haven't seen a break in a while (i'm writing in my doctrine class because my mind needs the rest), but God could use your praises. He's been so good to me.

to throw oneself at the ground...and miss

God's been proving me wrong lately. a lot.

i started field work a couple of weeks ago at an extremely lutheran church: not really my style. in my faith life i have grown from a lutheran to an ex-lutheran to something more of the ecumenical "whatever" category. these two being in somewhat of a conflict (at least on the lutheran side) i was convinced i was in for one hell of a ride, butting heads with staff and with worship, because of course, the church only offers traditional, liturgical worship.

i thought "of course! God has put me here to teach these people to liven things up! He wants me to show them how to do things the right[my] way."

let me offer this word of warning, as long as there's still a "my way", you're in for trouble. when big things get going, they happen God's way.
it turns out i'm supposed to be learning that even old-timey lutherans can be awesome in their ministry, despite how out of touch i may have thought it was. God loves all of His children the same, and He's going to bless their worship, no matter the style, as long as it is brought with sincerity.

God's been doing some spiritual warfare too, and He's taught me that the more i act in the kind of authority i think i should act in, the slower and harder the process will be. praising God in worship will ALWAYS be more powerful than trying to pick a fight with what's picking on you (or the people you love). He proved that to me hardcore yesterday, and i could not be more excited/thankful about what He has done and is doing with that whole situation!

All of this (there's more, but i can't think of it to fit it all in here now) got me thinking about flying in the hitchhiker's guide. "There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." i know, it's a bit of a stretch, but follow me. i've been throwing myself after all these things: change the church, beat up satan, become some sort of spiritual superhero...get through college without burning down the university. and it's frustrating. it's like throwing yourself at the ground. you don't know what else to do, and you know that it's going to hurt.

"...but before i touch ground, i am held in His arms with his tears pouring down..." (thanks billy k)

God's got it, and whatever "it" is, won't turn out like what you expect. you just gotta know that God is doing His will. no matter what it looks like from where you're at, God has plans. they're good ones. they're probably not yours. they are definitely better.

mistakes He knew we were making

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"
~Romans 5:8

...and yet, i think God's ultimate act of love--laying down His life for us in His Son--only slightly surpasses His next act: offering us the choice to walk away.

free will must be one of the most painful and beautiful creations God ever set into the human soul.

"..while we were yet sinners.." while we spit in His Face. while we tell Him how He's failed us. while we call Him a liar. while we embrace every act that is harmful to us and that is painful to Him. while we bless and curse with the same mouth He gave us. while we reject the very life He breathed into us. "..Christ died for us."

God loves us. He gives us grace. grace loves beyond our sin. God loves enough to offer grace, and to allow us to refuse. He loves us so much that he will let us make our own choices, even when they harm ourselves, when they can harm others, and when they break His Heart. He knows that those who have been hurt and are in Him will hold fast. why?

because He is a True Father. and any good Daddy knows that once His child is old enough to make decisions themselves, they must learn from their mistakes. forcing only fosters hatred. not love.

today in church our pastor spoke about God inhabiting the praises of His people and hearing their prayers. "but God only goes where He is welcome" he said.

welcoming God takes faith.

it takes the power of the Spirit. it is acknowledging that He Is God Almighty. He is not a lucky 8 ball, and He will not be treated like one.

i stand amazed today. God showed His Love by holding back His Hand. He let decisions be made. He showed His love by letting a door slam. He put His Spirit on me today and showed me what it feels like to do that, and as the tears rolled down my cheeks, i began to understand a little of what it means to be the Father of the prodigal son. it means our God will suffer heart break. He sheds tears for His children.

God is no murderer--He will not hunt down those who are not willing to come to Him.
However, He is still willing and always at the ready to save the lost who will be found, even if they have walked away in times past.

Praise God, who loves us enough to let us go, and even more: to take us back the moment we turn around, truly repentant and ready to come Home.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him."
~Luke 15:20

"Faithfulness, madam, your enduring faithfulness"

i had a conversation with the Almighty last night, or rather, He had one with me. i imagine this is a little bit like how buttercup felt right after she pushed westley off that cliff...
i think it's appropriate that i share it with you.

i was convinced that i had it all figured out. but if i was doing everything God wanted me to do, & following what all of His people were encouraging me to do, then why were there no results? Why could i not see anything worth mention that Jesus had done in my life lately?

"what are you doing, LORD?"

"Waiting."

"Why? What for? Haven't i asked? Haven't I sought you? "Haven't i been where i needed to go? And yet all i can say to these kids about the 'great things' you've been doing in my life amounts to about 15 bucks because my mom is nice?!"

"Hm. Yes, you have done some...things, you might say--"

"in Your Name."

"In MY NAME, yes. But what power lies in that if there is no FAITH behind it? Haven't you been teaching that same Truth to others? It's time you believed it yourself, isn't it?"

""Are you saying...have i really---lost faith, Father?"

"Yes. You have forgotten ME. How many have I chosen to give life to, and to take life from? And how many has the evil one taken that I have not allowed him to take? None? None you say? Then WHY do you tremble in fear at him and scarcely come to ME even to hide your face?"

i hung my head and wept.
He speaks Truth, and it is as sharp a Blade as His Word says.
I had forgotten my Father and His power, in all aspects of my life.
i had been arrogant.

i could make no reply.

"...You did want this. To be a warrior, fight the enemy. Remember? Isn't that what you said to ME?"

i nodded.
"but, a warrior in tears? it isn't what i expected. i look weaker now than i ever did before you made me into any kind of warrior."

"Few things ever look as you expect them to. and in your weakness I AM strong. You know that. Can you be faithful to ME now? No more trembling, no more leaning on yourself? Just faith--in ME?"

i nodded. i felt Him smile. I recognized His Spirit filling me.

"I know you can. You will have what you have asked for. I ask only for your faithfulness--believe ME, and I will not let you down.
Now go: REJOICE!"

the devil flees! the devil flees!

it's been quite an adventure.

so, as in most stories, there's this girl. God loves this girl so much, which has made satan want her so badly. being the hero i always want to be, i've been storming in, trying to proclaim God's love, provoking satan and getting burned. a lot.

a lot a lot.

more times than we care to count.

after a lot of lost sleep, late night phone calls and arguing with demons, i found i looked a lot more like a shell than an actual human being; i certainly didn't have the look of a redeemed daughter of the Most High.
but after a meeting with a couple brothers in Christ, i began to start really listening to what God was telling me: let go, this is my battle.

when worship came and i saw her feel the attack & leave, i kept myself from following this young girl, and i prayed that God would focus my eyes on Him, rather than on this demon's distractions. Sure enough, five minutes later, she was back, playing her bass. it was a huge victory for Christ.

later tonight, as more worship happened, she came and sat with me. the demon wanted to get at me, and it certainly tried. i found that when i took on the joy of Christ and proclaimed His name, satan fell back. when i faltered, satan preyed on my fears. but instead of trying to bear this alone, God sent people to come, just when i needed a break, and this time, as i had asked, God gave me the strength to walk away from the situation, and let Him handle it. when praise became the main focus again, there was healing. she was freed.

These are the truths that i have learned:
~Let God fight your battles. He's the only One who can win them.
~Do not go it alone. Isolation is satan's favorite tactic.
~Keep your focus on God. to make satan or any demon your focus is, as a good friend of mine pointed out to me today, a form of worshiping him, for where your treasure is there your heart will be also--if satan is the focal point, it means God is not.


as others prayed for her, more people came, and prayed for me. part of the brotherhood of believers, a huge part, is that we build one another up, we support each other, never leaving one alone to struggle, unless it is so that they may be alone with God, when He sees fit.

in the past, i have struggled with demons. i have been tired and broken.

today, i let God struggle with demons. my brothers & sisters supported me. i am joyful and free.




my young sister is free also. i believe she is free indeed, for good, as long as she will lean on the Lord.



may any and all of your struggles with the enemy, be they obvious or veiled, be laid down at the feet of Jesus Christ. He already has the Victory. Amen.

greetings from the back bedroom

breakfast in bed: yogurt with honey.
head still spinning from all of last night's toils. body still sore.


spirit: on the mend.


now's as good a time as any to get this thing rollin.

So, greetings, my friend, from the back bedroom of the house. if you're stopping by to read a good one-sided conversation, reflections on God, faith, new Life in general, or just some amusing and possibly thought provoking posts and/or links, this is a pretty good place to look.
If you're a personal friend here to catch up and see what all might be going on in my head or life today, you've also come to the right place.
All of these things, and hopefully some glorious others will appear here in the blog. of course, as title suggests, all of this is subject to the move of the Spirit. we will see what He plans for this new posting odessey.
At present, feel free to enjoy the first post, leave a comment, snoop around some links, or go back to shamelessly stumbling the internet.

May your reading be bountiful, and may your internets be fanciful.